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Michael Jackson Says, "That 'Croc Hunter' Makes Me Look Like a Saint!"
Jan 5 2004 by Allen Voivod
Michael Jackson, in a statement issued through attorney Mark 'Lost Cause' Geragos, said that "If anyone should be on trial for treating children badly, it should be Steve Irwin, not me." Irwin, AKA 'The Croc Hunter,' recently baited a crocodile with his tender and juicy infant son, only to feed the disappointed croc a hunk of tough raw meat.
"I don't expose kids to wild animals," said Jackson in his statement. "I only expose them to tame ones, like Bubbles the Chimpanzee, Elvis the Zipper Trout, and Liz Taylor. That 'Croc Hunter' is a terribly disturbed man."
When reporters brought up Jackson's infamous baby-dangling incident, Geragos read further into the statement. "Sure that was dumb," Jackson admitted, "but you know how it is with babies. You don't get much sleep, you make stupid mistakes. What I really regret is letting Tito try to breastfeed the baby. He was a lactating fool as a kid, but I guess the pectoral implants dried him up. I told him he should have used my doctor."
Tito Jackson was reached for comment at a pawn shop, where he was trying to hock the implants for grocery money. "Come on, man, I spent eight large on these babies, they gotta be worth something!" he told the broker, who refused to take them.
"That damn Michael," Tito said afterward. "He's giving all of us a bad reputation. I coulda sold these bodacious Balboas two months ago, no problem. Now I gotta go back to mugging homeless people."
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