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| You have fallen into: Home > Entertainment | January 7th |
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 American Midol: On Twins, Poofs, and PiratesJan 28 2004 by Lucky Lani
The 70s had Disco, Drugs, and REALLY Bad TV. The 80s? Arcades, Big Hair, and a string of potential Pop Pedophiles (Jackson, Reubens, and Poundstone, anyone?). Recession, Depression, and Self-Obsession served as the holy trinity of the 90s. And now, we've got a new tripod of trends on which our values and vices can stand: Twins, Poofs, and Pirates.Oh, those Olsen girls. Let's blame it on them, shall we? Ever since their super-hot inner swans said "buh-bye" to their ugly duckling youth, our culture has grown increasingly fixated on perfectly split DNA. Witness the Coors beer jingle. Need I say more? It's in to be a Twin. (But not if you're average-looking - then you and your hideous doppelganger are the most pitiable species on the planet!) But Twins aren't the only game in town. Consider Poofs. That's right - gays, lesbians, bi-curious males, female talk show hosts...whatever the preferred designation. From Will and Grace to those Queer Eye guys riding high on the hetero-radar, one thing is clear - when it comes to cultural kitsch, few things touch that same-sex itch. Just ask Madonna and Britney. They'll tell you that swapping saliva with someone who shares your anatomy is no longer freak – it's totally chic. Unless, of course, you're a Pirate. A Pirate would NEVER fondle a fellow buccaneer's twig and berries. But unlike the bandits of yore, the 21st Century Pirate doesn't bother with ships and crews. Instead, he sails solo in a veritable Pirate's Paradise - the Internet. Music, movies, porn, plans, money, and mayhem - if it's out there, our modern-day Pirate takes it without flipping an eye patch. Wonder what these online rogues actually look like? Hey - Johnny Depp makes a damn fine caricature. So, if YOU wanna hitch a ride on the trend train, try one of these: 1) Get a clone and/or a good plastic surgeon. 2) Acquire a taste for Cher remixes or dental dams. 3) Cut off a leg and sport some wood in its place. (Don't forget the parrot!) Act now...or else walk the plank into cultural oblivion! Related Articles American Midol: Why Does This Column Exist? Jan 14 2004
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