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The Ex-Files: Investigating the Cruise/Cruz Breakup
Apr 14 2004 by The Cosmic Detective
I got the call during my midnight yoga class. Somewhere between downward dog and bridge pose, one of my anonymous sources broke the news. Luckily, my cell phone was set on vibrate, so it didn't disturb any of my celebrity friends in this private yoga session in the Hollywood Hills.
It wasn't until I was driving home that it hit me. The vibrations in my lap weren't some erotic yoga after-effect, but rather, my phone. I almost crashed the rented Lotus when I heard the message. Another celebrity breakup. This one, a real shocker. Cruise and Cruz were no more.
After a quick stop at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, I hurried back to the guest house I'd been holed up in while researching another case - Code Name Pink Princess - and opened a new file.
Ex-Files Case # 12366
Code Name: Duck Face
It took a few calls, but I arranged a lunch meeting with a certain former spouse of Mr. Cruise. Not the statuesque Aussie. The one before that. She was in the first Austin Powers movie.
What does one wear to lunch at The Ivy? Since I hadn't packed much more than my typewriter and undies, I settled on Birkenstocks and that hemp jumpsuit I bought on Venice Beach. The former Mrs. Cruise looked stunning in a Chanel pantsuit and fresh botox. She was surprisingly loose-lipped for a woman who'd just had cosmetic surgery.
We dined on soy beans and mineral water. And I got the skinny on the Cruise/Cruz fallout. Allegedly, Mr. C was still pining for the aforementioned Aussie. And Ms. C, aka Duck Face, couldn't handle it.
After months of counseling, countless hours of hypnotherapy, and an extended stay in a native American sweat lodge in which both Mr. and Ms. C lost a quarter of their body weight, they realized the relationship couldn't be saved. Alas, nothing is ever what it seems in the twinkling lights of Tinseltown. And while the Lotus, celebrity yoga, and the fabulous Malibu guest house are all just that – fabulous – I realized that I, too, might need to part ways with Hollywood and head home.
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