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Hitchens' New UPN Reality Makeover Show Announced
Apr 24 2004 by Shawn Monks
New School University Professor and Resident Blowhard Christopher Hitchens is throwing his hat into the crowded ring of the blatantly self conscious, he announced to clamoring reporters through the gates of his Anglofied Compound atop Mt. Greyskull yesterday.
The show, tentatively named "Lookin' Bitchin' with Hitchens," will air on UPN on Thursdays this fall. "The show will feature Sgt. Martin Riggs as the homo-erotic interior designer, Mother Teresa as a corpse and, of course, me," said a stinko Hitchens, rocking to and fro in what appeared to be a drunken stupor.
When asked who would participate in the show, Hitchens indicated that Cypriot women of ill-repute would be the main makeover targets. "Basically the producers have been patrolling the streets of Greek Nicosia for whores who will someday be the world's finest contrarians," proclaimed the intoxicated gnome.
The pilot episode's makeover victim was chosen by Hitchens himself, in a process that included hurling the corpse of the "Ghoul of Calcutta" off a four-story building onto squares with contestants' names. Four contestants in all will compete for the ultimate prize - thirty minutes alone with Hitchens without the Resident Contrarian interrupting at all.
Another key element of the new UPN program is zany Lethal Weapon thespian Martin Riggs, star of such historically accurate films as Braveheart and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. While the two have been mortal enemies in the past, Riggs and Hitchens have buried their theological hatchet in order to work together on this project. "He made Jesus look like an electrician from Oslo," said Hitchens. "If that isn't one heck of a makeover for a Jew from the Middle East, I don't know what is."
Judges for the show will be Hillary Rodham Clinton, Henry Kissinger and Turkish Cypriot leader Rauf Denktash.
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