A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Van Helsing!

The first blockbuster movie of the season is here! With Hugh Jackman, Mummy director Stephen Sommers, and lots of CGI! Let the mass merchandising and egregious use of exclamation points begin!

Dad as the Wolf Man: AAAOOOO! Why did they blow the whole monster load in one movie? I'm gonna be howling bored when the sequel comes out, too!

Mom as Count Dracula: Blah, blaaaaah! I vant to suck your vallet dry! Buy the co-branded silver bullets and limited edition bottled holy vater, blah, blah blah!

Sis as Jekyll and Hyde: You know, this isn't so bad for a TOTALLY LOUD AND PSYCHOTIC PIECE OF LAMENESS!

Bro as Frankenstein's Monster: RRRRRRRRRRRR! Bread good! Fire bad! Movie destroy brain! Igor, bring new and disgusting brain!

Baby as Van Helsing: Hollywood has turned into the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk - "I'll grind your bones to make my bread!" And we're Jack to them, in more ways than one. Did I say I couldn't wait for blockbuster season to arrive? Well, I could've waited a little longer.

Verdict: Big screen quality visuals, without any other redeeming qualities. Just wait for the rental.


Related Articles
A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Mean Girls!

Apr 30 2004

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Envy!

Apr 30 2004

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Godsend!

Apr 30 2004

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...13 Going on 30!

Apr 23 2004

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Man on Fire!

Apr 23 2004

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Kill Bill Vol. 2!

Apr 16 2004