A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...New York Minute!

Larger than life! Larger than your most lascivious fantasies! The Olsen twins make their movie debut with an incredibly audacious and harrowing tale of…oh wait, it's just a fluff piece. No pun intended.

Dad: I just don't get the twins thing. You don't want twins, because if you're with two girls, you want them to make out, and sisters making out is just so Appalachian.

Mom: All right, look, for the last time, I was only nine, and we didn't want boys to think we were bad kissers! Have you ever tried kissing a stuffed animal? They don't tongue back!

Sis: So the "bad" guys in this film "illegally" download movies and music? Oooo, like I'm totally scared by that. Do they really think we're that dumb? Here's a tip for you, Hollywood - Brad Pitt naked in a DVD Easter egg equals the end of your so-called piracy problem.

Bro: The Olsen twins kinda look like my Barbies do, before I slather them in frosting and stake them next to the big red ant hill on the front lawn. I watched them for so long one time, I got a sunburn on my scalp, and a patch of hair fell out. It was so cool!

Baby: How could Eugene Levy and Andy Richter be in this movie? What awful secret must Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen be holding over their heads? Poor guys - stuck in a vanity picture that's about as interesting as a pile of puréed chicken fat. You wanna see a good movie, go see Mean Girls instead.

Verdict: Don't bother - except for you, you dirty old freak, you can wait for the rental.


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