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Hit TV Show 'The Swan' Sparks High School Reform
May 8 2004 by Romi
In reaction to the reality TV phenomenon The Swan, high schools across the United States will soon be cleansed of their token "ugly ducklings."
This comes by way of a bill just passed, requiring public high schools to nominate their 10 most hideous female students for mandatory transformations, via whatever surgical procedures necessary. After the bandages are removed and the swelling tamed, the top five will compete in a special contest for "plastic prom queen" supremacy, an opportunity that would have otherwise only existed in fantasies created by Twinkie-induced altered states.
Inside political sources view this reform as a method of increasing self-esteem in those homeliest of high school creatures, who perhaps had found ways to hide from the judgmental crowds, but never from their asymmetrical shadows.
And what of the mandatory nature of the process? "Naturalists" argue that there happen to be many teenage girls who are quite at peace with their genetic misfortunes. Be that as it may, this contest is justified from a utilitarian perspective, as society will always benefit by increasing its beautiful/repugnant ratio. This, and the threat of revoking the high school diploma of each girl who fails to participate, should be enough to coerce any parent into signing the surgical release form.
While no one can deny the visual benefits of going from ugly to aesthetically pleasing, the sociological rewards are a bit fuzzier. To clarify the issue, we went right to the high school bleachers, to hear the opinions of cheerleaders and jocks, the reigning champions of natural beauty.
The results were overwhelmingly similar: The beautiful girls will never welcome those of the "nouveau belle" crowd into their circle, and the handsome athletic guys will always be open to dating a woman of beauty, regardless of whether the source of said beauty is genetic or synthetic.
So we can confidently say that these teenage "swans" will have no friends, but many men. It's every girl's dream, and we owe it all to Fox Television. So step aside Oprah, because there's a new humanitarian juggernaut in Hollywood.
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