A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Chronicles of Riddick!

Vin Diesel's character from Pitch Black stars in the first new movie of a projected trilogy - assuming The Chronicles of Riddick does well at the box office. And therein lies the problem.

Dad: It's nice to see the guy from Right Said Fred is still getting some work. I liked their album a lot. Too bad they only made the one, I really could've gotten into them.

Mom: Honey, sometimes it amazes me that you're not gay. Seriously. Put down the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog and tell me, how are you not gay?

Sis: I had, like, five minutes in 2001 that I thought Vin Diesel was hot. What was I thinking? He's like the Special Olympics of hot, and he only got the yellow ribbon.

Bro: Dame Judi Dench, do you need some extra money or something, is that why you're in this movie? You can have what's in my piggy bank. I'll be your Harold if you be my Maude...

Baby: Pitch Black was a creepy bit of fun, but this non-sequel sequel shows what happens when you throw a lot of money at an interesting concept - it just becomes a soulless effects-driven piece of bloat. And Vin Diesel needs to take some lessons from Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wants to keep up this marble-mouthed action hero business. Even I can enunciate better, and my soft palate isn't fully formed yet.

Verdict: Harry Potter was probably sold out last weekend, so now's your chance to catch it. Hell, a second viewing of that or Shrek 2 would be a better alternative than this movie.


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