A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Terminal!

Another one of the movies this year that screams for a play on words from critics - i.e., "The Terminal is terminal to audiences!" Ha ha ha ha! Stupid critics. Tom Hanks puts on a different phony accent in this one, as a man without a country. But he'll always have JFK.

Dad: Maybe you're right, honey, maybe I really am gay. Everyone says Catherine Zeta-Jones is the hottest thing on two wheels, but I'd rather have conjugal relations with a Harley tailpipe.

Mom: I can arrange that.

Sis: Ugh, the airport is just carb central, it's like a South Beach war zone. And I'm such an Au Bon Pain junkie, I'd probably be arrested for criminal fatness or something after the first two days!

Bro: But why didn't he find out where all the poop from the airplanes goes? That's the first thing I'd wanna know if I was stuck in an airport for that long. How do they get rid of it all?

Baby: Spielberg must be cleansing his palate - sandwiching two lighter movies (this one and Catch Me If You Can) between all the other heavy-duty films. He deserves the break. It's supposed to be a light movie, so let's all just buy into it, like I bought into the idea of eating meat in the form of a paste. I'll get a serving of the chewier stuff a year or so down the road, and so will Spielberg fans, for sure.

Verdict: Matinee at best, but it's really more of a perfect rental. Or a safe date night movie if you're still in the pre-conjugal relations phase.


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