 |
|
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Lord of the Rings |
|
 |
|
| You are hovering over: Home > Entertainment | October 10th |
| |
|
 The Ex-Files: A Breakup Letter from BritneyJul 21 2004 by The Cosmic Detective
When I emerged from my Montana retreat, several unsettling truths awaited me. Slim-Fast had ditched Whoopi. Martha was going to jail. Gwyneth had made the acupuncture cup treatment famous before I did. And I’ve been getting cupped for years. The most perplexing news of all, however, was yet to come. Britney Spears isn't signing a prenup. Immediately, I started making calls. It didn’t take long to locate an ex-Britney bootyshaker who was willing to dish. In my business, backup dancers are some of the most reliable sources. The next day, a package arrived on my doorstep. Inside was what looked like a photocopied letter. The writing was very girly. It read... Dear Millions of Dollars, I’m breaking up with you. Not right this second. I have a wedding to plan. And since I’m paying for it, I need you. But after that. Let’s face it. I’m a celebrity. I need fame. Adoration. My name in the tabloids. If Feddy and I settle down, that goes away. How would I survive? But this has to look sincere. Which is why I’m not signing a prenup. And why I’ll eventually break up with half of you, according to California law. I mean, after the whole Vegas wedding fiasco with Jason...I can’t be just another J. Lo., hopping from man to man. Although that’s how the girl remains in the public eye. I wonder if she teaches classes on man-hopping? All I date are these crummy backup dancers. Sure, she started there, but now she dates men with money, men with careers of their own, men whose stars shine almost as brightly as hers. Too bad it didn’t work out with Justin. If we’d stayed together, that whole Super Bowl incident might never have happened. Or it woulda been my boob. But then again, Janet needed the publicity. Anyway, it’s been great knowing you, Millions. I’ve loved every minute of your warm embrace. Be good to Kevin. He’ll need you to support his drug habit and all of his kids when I dump him. Love, B Related Articles The Ex-Files: The Cosmic Detective Turns Off, Tunes Out, and Drops Down Jul 7 2004
The Ex-Files: The Minnie Loves and Losses of a Hollywood Starlet
Jun 23 2004
The Ex-Files: Getting the Jump on a High-Profile Future Case
Jun 9 2004
The Ex-Files: Dorito Girl and the Guy Who's Not Danny or Dick
May 26 2004
The Ex-Files: Climbing the Twelve Steps of the Berry/Benet Breakup
May 13 2004
The Ex-Files: Behind the Scenes of the Stamos Split
Apr 28 2004
|
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |