A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Cellular!

Now comes the movie that will have you asking, "How far can they stretch my willing suspension of disbelief and get away with it without making me feel a secret and deeply submerged shame for going along with it for so long when I should have suspected trouble from the moment Jason 'The Transporter' Statham walked into frame?"

Dad: Hey, look! It's "The Transporter"! Ding dong! [Deep announcer's voice] Get the door - it's The Transporter, and he's delivering your pizza with a topping of whupass!

Mom: [Inner dialogue] He'd better hope I outlive him, because if I die first, he's [expletive deleted].

Sis: Omigod, how does Kim Basinger stay so beautiful?! Shouldn't she be dead by now? Don't all actresses die when they're, like, 28?

Bro: I ate all the cotton candy I could get my hands on, and didn't throw up pink goo. So I gotta say this wasn't much of a "roller coaster" movie.

Baby: It's a gimmick. It's a decent gimmick, but it turns the movie into a novelty act. That's fine if you're Barney the Lobotomized Dinosaur - but if you're a savvy moviegoer, then not so much.

Verdict: Rental. Try to go outdoors instead. You didn't get out that much this summer, and it shows. Look at those eye pouches and that pasty skin. Eeeeeww.


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