A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Resident Evil: Apocalypse!

Hey Columbia Pictures - why were you so afraid to let critics see this movie before its release? You guys chicken or something? We call you Columbia Chicken House! Chick-chick-chicken! Ummm...okay, okay. Milla Jovovich gears up for round two of this video-game-inspired series. Can't believe we wrote "inspired" with a straight face.

Dad: [Possibly the worst James Brown impression ever] Sometime Milla make me break out in a cold sweat! One two three four! BAD GIRL! Heh! Heh! Gonna shoot them guns off! Gonna walk around naked! HAAAAOOOOOW!

Mom: Good God, just when I think there's nothing more embarrassing than when you sneezed and pooted at the same time during our daughter's eight-grade graduation party, and you were in the middle of that touching speech--

Sis: PLEEEEASE don't ever bring that up again! I still itch from all the spider bites I got when I hid behind the rabbit hutch after that nightmare.

Bro: I waited all summer for this kind of movie, and instead of being able to see it, like, ten times in a week, I'm stuck in school daydreaming about it. But mark my words - THE ZOMBIES WILL RISE AGAIN!

Baby: Wouldn't you rather just play the videogame? I mean, that PS2 controller looks like NORAD Missile Command to me, but I'd risk launching a nuke if it meant I might feel an emotion that didn't involve strained vegetables.

Verdict: Nah. Save your money for Sky Captain next week.


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