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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > Entertainment | September 8th |
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 DeadBrain Coverage of the Daily Show Coverage of Election Day 2004 – "Prelude to a Recount!" - Via Anagram, Limerick, Haiku, and PalindromeNov 3 2004 by Allen and Lani Voivod
Anagram:Jon Stewart - biggest balls of all! = A flabbergasting Jew lolls tots! Limerick: "The future belongs to the furious!" Colbert's statement is rather curious To quick, like a weasel, Mutely conjure Vin Diesel, Is for the country most injurious Haiku: Forget Florida The New Hotness: Ohio Lawyer-tocracy! Palindrome: Star comedy by Democrats And now that you've read these brief encapsulations of the grandeur that was The Daily Show's coverage of Election Night 2004, feel free to peruse the notes from our staff interns, who compiled the data without so much as a bread sandwich for sustenance. Be warned, however, that you will receive no value from reading these notes whatsoever. 10:00 - Brilliant Intro (Too complex; too profound to summarize. Nods to Lady and the Tramp, Chinatown, and Blair Witch Project were involved. Too bad you missed it!) 10:03 - "Thrilling Conclusion" segue – announcer comes on: "Prelude to a Recount! Starring Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and the Too-Close-To-Call Dancers!" (The TCTC Dancers never did come back. Sadly, it was all just a tease.) 10:04 - Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's JONNY! Straight from The Daily Show's Instapoll Center: - 112 electoral votes for Kerry - 170 electoral votes for Bush 10:06 - Stephen Colbert schtick commences: "I'm here for the duration. I've got my PJs on…most of my Y2K bunker…I'm prepared to miss my children's developmental milestones." 10:07 - To Samantha Bee at Kerry Headquarters in MA 10:08 - To Ed Helms with Bush Campaign in DC 10:09 - To Rob Corddry, managing a multitude of maps: the electoral map, the weighted electoral map, the topographical map ("The Rockies are bumpy!"), and a treasure map rumored to be from Blackbeard himself. Then of course, there was the convenient mashing of the swing states: Ohioda, Pennsylconsin, and New Mexico (he was stumped for something better). As for Georgia, one of the states "not in play," Corddry said, "You're dead to me! You know why!" 10:11 - Commercial break [Hmmm. Didn't catch our warning above, huh? Sucks for you!] 10:14 - Stewart returns with mind-blowing news: - MA goes to Kerry! - TX goes to Bush! 10:14 - Samantha Bee segment in which she does Exit Poll interviews. Definitely her BEST gig yet! She's never been more "on," more dry, more hilarious. Well done, Samantha! Especially loved the way you accosted the guy at the ATM machine. Poor, unsuspecting schlubs make for some GREAT TV. And then there was the foreign dude who emerged from the public lavatory to find Samantha waiting for him with cameras and a mike. When asked if he did #2, he replied in all seriousness, "No, I passed urine." Oh, those crazy immigrants! 10:16 - Back to Mr. Stewart 10:17 - Holy Moly! Steve Carell makes a special appearance! Something about terrorist headquarters, but I hesitate to say his material was not as good as his proven charisma. Still, we love him and his ululations. Don't kill the messenger! 10:19 - Commercial Break [Are you STILL reading this? Why?!] 10:22 - Back to electoral voting [Illinois is HUGELY Democratic, by the way. Did you know that?] 10:23 - Jon Welcomes two guests – William Weld (former Gov. of MA) and the Reverend Al Sharpton himself! - Weld exhibits unanticipated wit with "Gnomes of Zurich" reference, thereby squelching the theory that all Republicans by nature are witless imbeciles. - Sharpton uses his valuable Daily Show time lamenting about the outcome of the 2000 election. Let it GO, Al! It's over! We're in the middle of a brand NEW disastrous outcome! 10:29 - Commercial Break [C'mon, now. Really. What are you looking for here? Whatever it is, you ain't gonna find it, bro. We're just keepin' it reals.] 10:32 - Back - NY goes to Kerry! [Well, that's one state…] 10:33 - Daily ShowCorrespondent Bob Wiltfong reporting for duty, choosing to present a human interest feature on ELECTRONIC VOTING. Who doesn't love a good spoof of the binary system? C'mon, that's comic magic right there! He even seamlessly incorporated old-school Tron footage. Nice. 10:36 - Rob Corddry caught playing "Halo" on the giant map screen. He didn't get busted, though. He was quick on his feet and got out of it with a smooth transition to his scintillating feature, "Behind the Curtain." In this merciless examination, Rob reveals the dangerous scum and substance found on voting curtains by a renowned microbiologist. Vile findings included including fecal matter, staff infections, and "lady juices," as Rob liked to call it. Good news, though! Turns out it's highly improbable that you could catch genital warts in a voting booth. PHEW! 10:41 - Commercial Break [All right, we give up. You're too deep into this mess to turn back. Might as well read the rest. You're either a raging psychopath with WAY too much free time or a devoted Daily Show fan with severe psychopathic tendencies. Either way, we ask just one simple thing: please don't hurt us!] 10:43 - Jon: PA, IA, NH, FL, OH, WI, MI…ALL TOO CLOSE TO CALL! [The horrors!] 10:44 - Stephen Colbert projects his concern toward the fact that all the lawyers of the world have been yanked from their posts to prepare for the political upheaval. [A little OTN, Stevie. We expect more from you.] 10:46 - Back to the Kerry camp with Samantha Bee, who shared that Theresa H. K. is a potty mouth. [Yeah, and that's her BEST feature…] 10:46 - Back to the Bush camp with Ed Helms, defending the honor of the Republican Party. [By "honor" we mean "flawless ability to come out smelling like potpourri after rolling around in chili-caked vermin smothered in a creamy turd sauce.] 10:47 - Commercial Break [Does the fact that you're still reading here make us BFFs? We've always wanted a true-blue BFF!] 10:51 - Ugh. - 112 Kerry - 196 Bush And Gay Marriage Initiatives – the ones that actually ban the practice – are sweeping the nation, too. Double Ugh. 10:52 - Stephen Colbert's final thoughts, suggesting we must REJECT the call to come together as a nation. 10:56 - Jon-Jon gets crowd enlightened about close Senate races around the nation. Crowd so disinterested by the news you could actually hear the guy in the third row of the studio audience passing a silent-but-deadly. 10:58 - Jon's human soul actually departs from his body and commits Hari-Kari. 10:59 - Ends on "Moment of Zen" with Dr. Phil's wildly obsessed inquiries about parental spanking practices in past interviews with both presidential candidates. 11:00 – 12:00 - Lather, Rinse, Repeat. 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