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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > Entertainment | February 10th |
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 The Ex-Files: The Cosmic Dick Gets SickNov 10 2004 by The Cosmic Detective
There’s a nasty virus going around. Not just in Hollywood. It’s sweeping the nation.It started Tuesday night. I was staying in the guest cottage of my dear friend P.G., or as I affectionately nicknamed him years ago, Caterpillar. I thought he would have waxed those bushy things by now, but he says they give him character. And who am I to argue? The man’s on the hottest teen T.V. show since Spelling made that zipcode famous. PG and I had just returned from dinner and I was settling in for the night when an unsettling feeling grabbed hold. I thought it might be the wine. Caterpillar and I drink like sailors when we get together. Next thing I knew, I was on the bathroom floor, curled up in the fetal position. I spent the next 12 hours alternating between hugging the porcelain goddess and wretching into her. By Wednesday afternoon, my virus was full blown. At some point, delirium set in. I thought perhaps I was having sympathy morning sickness for the possibly preggers Britney. Or maybe it was bad sashimi from last night. As afternoon gave way to evening, my insides sufficiently empty, I crawled to the couch and hoisted myself up. As I lay there, somewhere between wake and sleep, it hit me. I wasn’t suffering from foul fish or Britney’s baby. No, my physical pain was a manifestation of something much greater than myself. My insides were churning at the possibility of all my fiercely feminine friends losing their reproductive rights in the next four years. I was mourning for my same sex friends whose love lives were about to be legislated. No wonder I was so sick. The truth is, there is no cure for what ails me. Most likely, it’ll get worse before it gets better. And that scares this private dick to death. If there is a silver lining, it is this: Now more than ever, we need mindless entertainment like The OC and my column. It’s a small consolation, but for now, it’s all that wipes the bitter bile from my throat. Related Articles The Ex-Files: Another Millionaire Marriage Bites the Dust Oct 23 2004
The Ex-Files: When Our Favorite Couples Call It Quits
Oct 6 2004
The Ex-Files: Ten Days That (Almost) Changed the World
Sep 22 2004
The Ex-Files: Ditching the Material Girl for Stripperella
Sep 7 2004
The Ex-Files: The Ex-Laker and His Leading Lady Vanish
Aug 18 2004
The Ex-Files: The Demise of Dunst and Gyllenhaal
Aug 5 2004
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