A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Polar Express!

Tom Hanks takes on six different roles and bankrupts a movie studio with six times the fees! Ha! Well, not really. But at $165 million, the money had to go somewhere.

Dad: [Singing] Everything's phallic at the North Pole/The North Pole's phallic at the North Pole…

Mom: Damnit, just because I made a stray comment about the cucumber selection at the supermarket, that doesn't mean I'm always looking at the world through One-Peeper-Bob-colored glasses!

Sis: Ohh yeah, this is the perfect movie. I'll bring those bratty Keiko twins here next time I babysit them, and they'll sit like little mindless weasels while I make out with the nerdy-hot guy right under Roach Kirkson's projection booth window!

Bro: This movie's trying to re-convince me that Santa's real, by making a faker-looking fake than that dead-playing 'possum I found the other day. You may think you escaped, 'possum, but I'll find you again. Do you hear me? DO YOU? 'POSSUM?!

Baby: Okay, now they're messing with my bookshelf! Why, in Chris Van Allsburg's name, did they chose to do this in full CG? Eddie Murphy played, like, 38 parts in Coming to America back when CG was just a gleam in George Lucas' eye, and that worked out just fine. Why not gimme a live-action Hanks as Santa? I'd believe in that. Really I would.

Verdict: Overall: Rental. For families: limit the cash outlay to a matinee if you can.


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