A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie!

What can be said about SpongeBob Squarepants that hasn't been said by trillions of plankton, krill and algae over the years? What's that? Oh yeah, they can't talk. Right. Well, that gives us a lot of leeway, then! Oh, happy day!

Dad: They had me at "I'm David Hasselhoff." And then they swept me away like a new bride still doped on the rufees.

Mom: I wish I'd never doped you with those rufees. Life was so much simpler when I lived by the "Meet 'em at the bar, leave 'em at the bar" philosophy.

Sis: I can't believe they made a movie of this. It was old like, 83 years ago. And those stupid Keiko twins don't want to see it, so I'm gonna have to find another way to rub my new boyfriend in Roach Kirkson's face.

Bro: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD MAAAAAAAA - oh, hey, SpongeBob! Cool! We'll return to the Birdman "Cry of Justice" marathon later.

Baby: I'm sure I don't get half of it, but it's in lovely primary colors and I've seen it on TV before, so I'm kindly disposed. And even the dried-out-sponge-and-starfish scene is less creepy than looking at the fakey-looking humans in The Polar Express for 87 minutes.

Verdict: A big-screen movie (matinee) or not at all, depending on your sponge-tastes.


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