A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Closer!

Two things that almost always spell trouble - American remakes of French films, and playwrights' movie adaptations of their own plays. But this one (one of the latter) has such A-list actor talent! Julia Roberts! Jude Law! Natalie Portman! Clive Owen! Surely it can't be a bad movie.

Dad: [In a stunned stupor] Natalie Portman in a G-string...talking dirty...Natalie Portman in a G-string...filthy dirty girl Natalie...

Mom: [To herself] He's going to be so surprised when he gets the photos of her naked from Mr. Skin for Christmas, framed and double-matted. And it gave me an excuse to check out Ewan McGregor's hoo hoo dilly from that movie Young Adam, too. Ahh, Ewan's sweet sugar plum dances in my head.

Sis: I'm just sooo confused! Who wants to be an adult when you have to deal with this kind of emotional crap?! I think I'll just lock myself in the attic and read my old Tiger Beat mags till I get hot flashes.

Bro: Hey! Hey! You could get cooties like that! Stop it!

Baby: Edward Albee didn't adapt his play Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, and Mike Nichols directed that adaptation to multiple Oscars. Here, Nichols is saddled with Patrick Marber, Closer's original playwright. And while Marber's good, he's no Ernest Lehman, Woolf's adapter. And Lehman wrote the script for The Sound of Music, too! I love that movie! Do re mi fa so la ti do! They even sing that on Teletubbies!

Verdict: Rental. Get your holiday shopping done now, before Ocean's Twelve (12/10) and A Series of Unfortunate Events (12/17) come out.


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