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The Ex-Files: Deciphering the Pitt Split

Jan 19 2005 by The Cosmic Detective

When I returned from my New Year's sojourn in Costa Rica, a friend of a friend of a friend tipped me off to the impending Pitt split. Immediately, I hopped a propeller plane to the island of Anguilla.

For a week I tracked the Pitts' every move. From their walks on the beach to their intense conversations at their rented villa, I watched with bated breath as their breakup unfolded. I cried when Jen cried. Rejoiced when Brad consoled his wife. Shielded my eyes when David Arquette sported that hideous fuschia pink tiger-striped Speedo on the beach.

In essence, I hoped against hope that what I was seeing wasn’t really happening. But it was. And when the Pitts announced their official split on January 7th, no one was less surprised than me.

Yes, I have all the answers. Yes, I know what really happened. But you know what? Here are the top ten reasons I will not dish about the Pitt Split:

It’s already been written about to death.
They could still get back together.
I refuse to speculate on the part Angelina Jolie may or may not have played in the split.
It’s next to impossible to live your entire life under a paparazzi microscope. Don’t believe me? Try it for one day. You’d crack under the pressure.
They’ll both be fine. I promise.
Like it or not, Jen has the right to want a film career before she has children. Even if she’s already had a successful television career, tons of money, and Brad Pitt for a husband.
Hard as it is to fathom, Brad Pitt may not be the perfect husband. Or even the perfect man. God forbid.
Repeat after me. The Pitt Split is nowhere near as devastating as the Tsunami.
I owe Joan Rivers $1,000. Who knew David and Courtney would outlast Brad and Jen?
If the Pitts can split, who’s next? Tom and Rita? Travolta and Preston? Warren and Annette? I shudder to think.

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