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| You are disappointed to see: Home > Entertainment | February 10th |
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Desperate Search to Capture Paris Hilton's Escaped Property - Part 1Jan 26 2005 by Kevin Scrantz
Vicodin Beach, NJ - Hotel heiress and international slag Paris Hilton made a noticeably distraught plea today for the return of her vagina, which she claims was lost - possibly stolen - following an all-night party at Flooze, the trendy Manhattan nightspot favored by such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears."I gave it to Ashlee (Simpson) to hold in her purse while I went to dance," Hilton claimed. But later, when she went to retrieve it, the vagina was gone. Simpson, who has since undergone a polygraph test with inconclusive results, maintains it must have been stolen. "I left my purse on the bar for a few minutes because everybody was like, begging me to sing," Simpson said through her publicist, Flo Mahoney. "So like, anybody could have like, just stole it." Hilton's lost vagina gained national prominence and attention from Washington when it was spotted rampaging on a New Jersey beach, where it is alleged to have devoured an elderly couple before moving on to a school bus parked nearby and attacking several junior high students on a class outing. The students were able to fend off its vicious advances only after one of them repeatedly kicked sand at it. "It was really scary," said 14 year-old Mike Holsted, who is being hailed as a hero for saving his classmates. "Freaky. I know I'm gonna have nightmares about it." According to Holsted, whose account was corroborated by several eyewitnesses, the vagina attacked 79-year-old Rupert Biddle and wife Ethel when they came upon it sunning in the sand and Biddle nudged it with his foot. The attack was over within seconds. "It just swallowed them whole," explained teacher Mae Franks, 44. "They never had a chance, poor souls. I tried to warn them. I screamed at him not to touch it, but I was too late." Want to read more? Check out Part 2 and Part 3 of the story!
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