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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Paris Hilton |
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| You are puzzled to find: Home > Entertainment | November 20th |
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Desperate Search to Capture Paris Hilton's Escaped Property - Part 2Jan 27 2005 by Kevin Scrantz
Yesterday, we broke the news that Paris Hilton's vagina had been lost, only to reappear on a violent rampage in coastal New Jersey. Here is the second installment of our stunning three-part report.Vicodin Beach, NJ - While local schoolteacher Mae Franks and her students were treated for shock at a local hospital, local police officers scoured the area and were able to follow a slimy trail across the sand before the vagina's tracks were obliterated by a grassy area. Residents in this tiny New Jersey seashore community have been warned to remain indoors and to keep their doors locked. "We really don't know what this thing is capable of," says Sgt. Rick Francis of the Vicodin Beach police. "So the best thing for everyone is to not try and be a hero. Stay away from it and call us immediately if you see it." Hilton's vagina was last observed in the area of Pike and Willow streets where Daniel Turnbull, alarmed by a neighbor's screams, came upon the vagina eating a dumpster. Witnesses say Turnbull, a Gulf War veteran, doused the vagina in gasoline and attempted to set it on fire before it grabbed him by the leg, within a few short seconds becoming its next victim. One of Turnbull's friends who asked not to be identified, tried to save him by beating the vagina with a heavy towing chain. "It didn't affect it at all. I mean, not-at-all. The more I beat it, the stronger it seemed to get. I'm lucky to be alive right now," he says, showing deep purple bruises on his arms. "You see something like that, it just makes you question if there's really a God or not." Described as a pulpy pink mass mottled with brown spots, Hilton's vagina is reputed to be quick and vicious when cornered. A local veterinarian who witnessed the beach attacks said it appeared to be suffering from overexposure and possibly distemper, but Hilton was quick to defend it. "They're all saying it's a monster and it's just not true. If it's upset, it's probably only because sand got inside and irritated it. I only hope they don't hurt it." Want to read more? Check out Part 1 and Part 3 of the story!
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