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Double Vision and Condemnation at Jackson Trial
Reluctantly peering through his telescope on a nearby rooftop, our DeadBrain reporter, Tim Timid, glimpsed a hullabaloo outside the Santa Barbara County courthouse. Stuffing four Twinkies in his mouth and washing it down with several large gulps from his Wild Turkey hip flask, he slowly walked down the fire escape, and hobbled over to the frenetic fans of Jackson. Here's his report:
A deputy sheriff was leading a handcuffed man through the crowd when he encountered his boss, Sheriff Jim Anderson. As I drew nearer, the deputy proudly said that he was delivering Michael Jackson to his trial date.
"What the hell are you talkin' about, deputy?" asked Anderson. The deputy told the sheriff how he'd seen the man in custody in a nearby town giving a speech and how he'd identified himself as Michael Jackson.
Looking livid, the sheriff yelled, "You idiot! This is Michael Jackson, the deputy U.S. Transportation Secretary. President Bush has named him to be the new Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security! Don't you know what Michael Jackson, the performer, looks like? For cryin' out loud, this man's not even black!"
The deputy muttered something about Michael Jackson, the accused, not looking black either. "Uncuff this man, and give me your badge!" demanded the sheriff.
Just then, a large roar from the edge of the crowd signaled the arrival of the true Michael. As Michael slowly slipped through the crowd of well-wishers, Dr. Laura, the radio pop psychologist, accosted him with microphone in hand.
"Mr. Jackson, do you think you're a victim of permissive Clintonesque attitudes where having sexual encounters with no consequences and no responsibilities is considered normal and acceptable? During your childhood, were you a victim of daycare, a society-sanctioned form of child neglect?" barked Dr. Laura.
Jackson stared at her, turned, and began to stroll away. Dr. Laura grabbed his shoulder and spun him around so that they were face-to-face again. "Don't walk away from me, you deviate!"
Appearing ashen, Jackson coughed and gurgled. He spewed on Dr. Laura. The screaming Doctor ran. "I guess he really did have the flu," observed someone.
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