 |
|
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Samantha Bee |
|
 |
|
| You are slobbering over: Home > Entertainment | February 10th |
| |
|
 American Midol: RealMar 7 2005 by Lani Voivod
We've lost "real."Four little letters of absolute nothing. No meaning, no substance, no heart. Some blame the heist on the Coca-Cola Company. They thrust a stake into it in 1942 – and again in '69 – when they said of their signature fizz, "It's the real thing." Then they went from wanting to buy the world a Coke (1971) to taking aim at the jingo-jugular, declaring "The Great National Temperance Beverage" of 1906 was, in 1985, "America's Real Choice." And in 2003, they ditched all pretence and simply snatched "Real," explaining the one-word slogan "reflects genuine, authentic moments in life and the natural role Coca-Cola plays in them." But that's the flippin' problem. I don't want Coca-Cola©™® – or whatever the proper, legally-sanctioned mark is – appearing in any of my genuine, authentic moments. In fact, the chasm where "real" once resided is a major aching ulcer in our collective conscious. It keeps us awake at night, wondering what's missing, puzzled by some intangible disconnect between appearances and visceral authenticity. It's not Coke's fault, though. "Real" is limp and irrelevant in all of our cultural arenas. We've lost it: As for "reality" TV shows, those puppies are manipulated more obsessively than a teenage boy's Cupid cudgel after an IPEX* commercial. Honestly, we are so busy "self-improving" and packaging ourselves to pass muster in our personal and professional lives that there's simply no "Self" left. And that's where "real" used to set up shop. So what, then? Do we wait for Coca-Cola's next campaign – "Keepin' It Real," or "Really You," or "Real Humanoids: Lubricating Their Thirst Mechanism With Our Refreshing Trademarked Mixture of Carbonated Water and Syrup Since 1886"? I really hope not. *IPEX is, of course, "the world's most advanced bra," as engineered and recently unleashed by Victoria's Secret. Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com! Related Articles American Midol: Paris Hilton. Why? Feb 21 2005
American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 3 = An Elite Selection of Juicy, Lewd, and Sordid Details)
Feb 14 2005
American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 2 = The Quick-Spit Facts)
Feb 7 2005
American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 1 = Before the Neverland Sting)
Feb 1 2005
American Midol: The Top 3 Trends of 2005
Jan 24 2005
American Midol: Brad, Jen, and a Corny-Yet-Heartfelt Declaration from a (Slightly) Parallel Universe
Jan 17 2005
|
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |