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Oprah Enters the Galaxies
May 18 2005 by Barbara S. Goodwin
Coming soon to a telescope near you: Oprah, the planet.
Following months of top-secret negotiations with NASA officials, Oprah Winfrey today revealed her plan to spin-off and become her own planet. Winfrey, whose legal name will be changed to The Oprahverse, will launch herself into space in June of 2006, with a tailored, ovalish orbit pattern provided by Dolce and Gabbana.
Seen as the next logical step in her quest for global dominance, the planet will provide an ideal platform for cross-marketing the Oprah brand to forms of life currently unreachable through existing mediums.
"This is going to be the biggest bang on record in several billion years," said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin on the addition of a 10th fully-formed planet to the charts. "We're excited by the synergies here. Oprah is ideal planet material: she's gaseous, ubiquitous, and she's been around forever."
He added, "Despite her smaller body size, it's been difficult for planet Earth to contain her outsized ego. The Oprahverse will know no boundaries."
In preparation for the new planet's arrival, NASA will launch an extensive PSA campaign to educate the general public on changes to the astrological lexicon. For example: Horoscopes will become "Oprahscopes," eclipses will become "Oclipses," and asteroids will become "Operoids."
In addition to her ability to deliver unprecedented ratings with 24/7 broadcasting courtesy of the greater skyline, educators are gearing up for a significant increase in the number of at-home women between the ages of 25-50 who'll pursue careers in aeronautics.
The Oprahverse will be accessible to fans via shuttles, where select passengers will be chosen (and later taxed) for cosmic makeovers by Dr. Phil McGraw, who has agreed to conquer his fear of flying for fear of career oblivion after June of 2006.
Ms. Winfrey will chronicle her year-long transition from media titan to macrocosmic sphere on her TV show, where empathic audience members will discuss their childhood struggles with astronomy. The final Earth-produced episode of Oprah will appear during May 2006 sweeps week, one day after she airs a primetime special with Britney Spears discussing her life as a single parent.
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