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| You are puzzled to find: Home > Entertainment | January 7th |
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Baby Bennifer or Biblical Apocalypse?May 19 2005 by R.C. Johnson
"We've been swamped," said Maurice Blacka, leader of the Heaven's Gate Renaissance Movement. "People are concerned, and we promise that we will be here to comfort them." Blacka reports a sharp increase in worship attendance since the announcement. "The tsunami really got everyone's attention," continued Blacka. "You take that and couple it with the famine and disease that are rampant in Africa and that really makes you start to wonder." "But the last few weeks have set people off," explained Blacka. "First you have Tom Cruise dating a virgin. That alone had some people worried. Then you had the messy Jen and Brad split. But when news spread that Ben Affleck had reproduced, well that was too much for most of my followers. Thankfully no one has resorted to drastic measures, yet." Blacka noted that he has added daily meetings in his parents' basement and is contemplating adding trained counselors to his staff. "I'm worried that my brothers will misinterpret these signs," said Blacka. "There will be a time for concern, however I'm not sure it's Bennifer's baby. Perhaps if Affleck had purified his loins, this would never have been an issue." Other groups, however, do not share Blacka's optimism. Daniel Underling, leader of the Ranch Georgians in Crawford, Texas, offers a different view of the current events. "I'm afraid the time has come," claimed Underling. "There's no way I can keep our followers calm after hearing about Affleck. They're scared to death and are looking for answers." Underling and federal officials are working to calm the fears of his followers, but some feel that their effort might be in vain. "We're trying our best to keep this situation manageable," confessed Underling. "Let's just hope Danny DeVito doesn't have a box-office hit before we can regain order in the society." Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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