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Michael Jackson Plans Post-Acquittal Uprising Against California
With his trial coming to a close and an acquittal increasingly likely, Michael Jackson has vowed to raise an army of children and wage war against the State of California, racist record executives, and mean grown ups across the country – after a celebratory party at Neverland.
Sources close to the self-proclaimed King of Pop say the singer has finally had it with what he believes is unjustified persecution. He is preparing to launch an all-out war with the help of "oodles and oodles of children, all prepared to fight and die in my name!"
If victorious, the war will result in the singer claiming California as his own.
Speaking to Vanity Fair, Jackson confidante Elizabeth Taylor explained, "People don't realize that Michael isn't just wearing all those military insignias to make a fashion statement. He's studied the ways of war and he's ready to conquer his foes and turn California into the State of Neverland."
Taylor also confirmed Jackson's plans to use an army of children. "The children love Michael and they'd do anything for him. Besides, kids these days know how to fight! It's not just slapping and kicking anymore. They've got some good techniques, and they're going to use them all for Michael."
Taylor added that she had personally been in the process of securing slingshots, water balloons, and other weapons for the singer while he was "preoccupied with that pesky trial."
The Jackson camp initiated a major recruiting drive backed by his anthem, the new single "You've Got to Fight for Your Right to Sleep in My Bed" and the stirring B-side "Grownups are Poopy Heads." But controversy is once again swirling around the Peter Pan wannabe, as some potential volunteers for the Jackson Army are claiming sexual discrimination.
"I went to the recruiting office to volunteer my services, but they told me I posed too much of a cootie risk and sent me way," reports a sullen Tina Smathers. Young girls from across the country have made similar claims, leading some to question whether Jackson can really count on the support of "all the world's children."
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