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Tom Cruise Connects the Dots Between Aliens, the White House, and Ditka
DeadBrain reporters never miss a story unless they're unconscious from a heavy night of drinking, or if they're on a sugar-high after gorging down multiple slices of unbaked chocolate mousse cake. But Bob Betcha was on the job when he couldn't shield his eyes from witnessing Tom Cruise on the Larry King TV show. Here's his report:
Tom was his "normal" charming self, answering Larry King's unchallenging questions when suddenly, Cruise yelled, "I've gotta have a couch! I've gotta have a couch right now, man!"
King chuckled, looked flummoxed, and asked Tom another question. Grabbing King's shirt collar, Cruise lifted the poor old man into the air above his seat. "I need that couch right now!" demanded Cruise. Thunder could be heard in the background, and a lightning bolt sizzled at the back of the stage.
Stagehands rolled in a couch. Cruise dropped the cowering King into his chair. Jumping wildly onto the couch, Cruise said, "I have an announcement! I have an announcement! Space ships are hovering over the White House implanting their crap into the President's brain and all of his staff!"
Cruise took higher and higher leaps on the couch and came down at a severe angle. He then flew up and forward, with his head crashing into a heavy marble bust of Mike Ditka on King's desk. Cruise sighed, smiled, and then slumped onto the floor.
After the commercials, King announced, "My next guest is UFO expert and raconteur Professor Heinrich Himmeyholtzenmacher. Professor, do you give any credence to Terrible Tommy's claim?"
"Vell, our group has tracked alien contrivances dumping a stinky, toxic gas onto dee Vite House. Vee tink it might be similar to vhat commercial jets und ocean liners do vit vaist…dey chuck der poopycaca right out dee vindow. It's possible a vite, bowl-shape structure like dee Vite House ist a truly inter-galactic shape und color for a vaist disposal receptacle. Now, dis might explain vhy der ist so much B.S. coming outta dat place. Die President puts on doze rosy-colored goggles und says Iraq ist wunderbar, but dee public spits und cries, 'Gotterdammerung!'"
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