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| You feel threatened by: Home > Entertainment | February 4th |
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The Health Report: Breaking News - Tom Cruise Bribed to Go Off Meds, Destroy ReputationOct 20 2005 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
"Cruise was paid off," the straight-shooting seventy year old stated. "He'd been under psychiatric care and on the Wellbutrin/Trazadone combination for years. How do I know? I was his doctor." Wallace was momentarily speechless. "For sixteen years," Barchas continued, "I saw Mr. Cruise twice a week. It took time to find the right combination of medications, as he was borderline bipolar, but once we got him on Wellbutrin/Trazadone, he leveled out, and did beautifully. The medications worked wonders for a young man with a bright future ahead of him who'd been teetering on the edge." Barchas paused, shaking his head. "The Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team approached Mr. Cruise with an endorsement offer. He turned it down, didn't want his personal life exposed in an advertisement. They counter proposed - offering him 75 million dollars to go off his medication. What can I say? Does Tom Cruise need more money? I suppose it would be hard for anyone to say no to 75 million, but, look at the poor guy now. "Tom Cruise has gone insane. We've all seen every out-of-control frame. It's caused the public to completely reject alternative therapies, after seeing the behavior of the person who is against traditional Western medications. It's a brilliant tactic on the part of the WME, despite the tragic toll it has taken on Tom Cruise. "And the capper? After Mr. Cruise agreed to the proposal, every psychiatrist in the United States received a letter from the government stating that if Tom Cruise were to approach any of us requesting treatment, we were to turn him away or we would lose our license." "Have you spoken to Cruise since he stopped seeing you?" Wallace inquired. Barchas shook his head. "No. Last I heard he was at the WME Headquarters in Washington, screaming 'Show me the money!'" Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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