| |
The Health Report: Bird Flu "A North Korean Hoax," Says Cabinet
The Weapons of Mass Euphoria held an emergency press conference yesterday, with Chief Resident Dr. Eudaimonia and Cabinet members Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, Mike Leavitt and last minute I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby replacement Michael "Cherty" Chertoff.
"There is no Avian Influenza, plain and simple," Dr Eudaimonia stated. "North Korea's Chief of State Kim Jong-Il and Premier Pak Pong Ju thought it would be a fun prank to poison a few chickens and blame it on China. Americans, this is the same man who declared to the Washington Post that President Bush was a dictator. Nobody in this administration takes this man seriously. This is another one of his insane jokes that only HE finds funny."
DHHS Secretary Mike Leavitt stepped up to the microphone, clearing his throat. "I want to reassure my fellow Americans by dispelling the rumors that have been swirling around Kim Jong "Kimmy" Il's immature and silly antics. There is NO bird flu, there is NO shortage of the flu medication TAMIFLU®, nor has pharmaceutical company Roche stopped shipping TAMIFLU to the United States and other countries. 1st Lieutenant L.L.Beancounter reports that our latest shipment of 58 million dollars of TAMIFLU has just arrived at Fort McNair. And that amount is just for the troops! We have another huge shipment on its way for the rest of the population, which should make Rummy very happy. Frankly, I don't agree with the fact that he has made over a million dollars on this 'bird pandemic' rumor, so I urge - "
"Hey!" Rumsfeld interrupted. "It's my job to take every threat seriously, and we didn't know it was Kim Jong Il screwing with China until this morning."
"Nevertheless," Leavitt continued, glaring at Rumsfeld, "I insist Americans stop panicking and stop taking unnecessary medications."
"TAMIFLU is for the regular flu!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I want every American citizen fully stocked up with TAMIFLU this winter!"
"Secretaries!" Rice elbowed between them. "Please!"
Off to the side, Chertoff quickly popped the white and yellow TAMIFLU capsule in his mouth and promptly began choking. NBC finally had to cut to commercial.
Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
|
|
