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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Bill Clinton |
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| You have been disturbed by: Home > Entertainment | November 19th |
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The Health Report: President Bush Sends Free Poultry and Heartburn Meds to the Poor for ThanksgivingNov 17 2005 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
With recent studies debunking avian flu, President Bush and the First Lady are giving a heartwarming gift to low-income Americans this holiday season. Each family will receive a free turkey, free chicken and assorted poultry items for their holiday meal.Yesterday, in an impromptu address, President Bush announced, "For the next two weeks, the National Guard is sending truckloads of turkeys, chickens, even ducks to the thirty-seven million impoverished people living in the United States. "Every American Citizen has so much to be thankful for, and every citizen deserves the ingredients they need to prepare the meal that sig...signific...signif...sig alert...that SHOWS, that SHOWS their gra.. grati...happy. HAPPY!" The President beamed as he grasped the side of the podium. "Now, everybody knows that Thanksgiving is a day when people eat and drink too much--" Condoleezza Rice quickly whispered in the Presidents ear. Looking flustered for a moment, he adjusted his tie and continued. "Well, really only eat too much. Nobody drinks too much, nobody in the White House, not me, of course, drinks, nobody drinks, we just eat, well we're ALL eating. It's Thanksgiving." Regaining his composure, Bush continued. "And with this free poultry, we are sending along ten free boxes of Nexium®, because if anybody feels a little bit peckish," he chuckled, "after they eat, trust me, it's just heartburn. These turkeys and chickens are fit for every American citizen to eat, and we want the whole country to be united and stay on course this Thanksgiving by eating turkey and feeling right good." Today White House junior saucier J.F. Mambo was asked by Gourmet magazine how the White House kitchen was preparing the Thanksgiving meal. "We received a request for a vegetarian Thanksgiving this year," Mambo replied. "Tofurkey, stuffed with vegetables only. No poultry of any kind. "Because of the Vice President's heart condition," she added hastily, "we cook heart-smart, and everyone has Nexium® after dinner, exactly what the President has shared with the public." Turkey drop-offs will be announced on your local TV channel. Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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