 |
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Paris Hilton |
|
 |
|
| You are puzzled to find: Home > Entertainment | February 11th |
| |
|
The Curmudgeon Bastard: Welcome to New York City - Now Move It!Nov 30 2005 by The Curmudgeon Bastard
The worst offenders are the groups of morons who stop in the dead center of sidewalk intersections up and down Fifth Avenue to stare up at the street signs with slack-jawed confusion. What's the mystery? Midtown Manhattan is laid out in a rectangular grid with consecutively numbered streets and avenues. Even tourists dumb enough to buy a "genuine" Fendi handbag from a street vendor should be able to figure out where they are. Then there are the chuckleheads who wander everywhere abreast in a single line. The other day I counted one group of tourists walking eight wide on a crowded sidewalk. And I do mean wide. The asses on half of these people must have been two feet across. If you must lumber along like a line of super-sized, mutant Rockettes, please do everyone a favor and walk no more than two abreast at all times so that people without Type 2 diabetes can pass easily. And finally there are the hicks who can be found in the middle of the sidewalk, clogging traffic in front of any building higher than ten stories as they gaze up at the upper floors. Their conversations usually go something like this: Man (craning his neck): "Golly, here we are in New York City." Female companion: "It sure is high!" Man: "Whoops, there goes my wallet!" Here's a tip: To hold onto your valuables, don't look up. Ever. The only exception is if a balloon handler at the Thanksgiving Day parade screams "Look out!" to alert you to the light fixture whistling towards your head that a runaway Gumby just knocked down. And if you keep your eyes at street level, maybe you'll be able to identify the curmudgeon bastard who hip-checked you through the Saks window display for moving too damn slowly. Hankerin' for more crotchety goodness? The Curmudgeon Bastard has a blog you could check out, once you scram on outta here…
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |