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DHHG Proposes Dress Code; Overalls To Be Outlawed

Dec 1 2005 by Tara Zucker

The DHHG Terror Alert: Holiday light displays visible from Jupiter

The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens, seeking to expand the powers of the Patriotic Decorating Act, has proposed a Remodeler's Dress Code ("RDC"). The new regulations would restrict the use of clothing that is dirty, torn, or ill-fitting. Additionally, under the RDC overalls would be completed banned.

According to Secretary Kenneth, who recently returned from a fact-finding mission in Europe, "The rest of the world hates us. Why? Because of how we dress when we remodel. They see us as hypocrites. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars remodeling our homes, and we're dressed like homeless people. America is the acknowledged leader in remodeling, but our power is being eroded by our own lack of regard for world opinion."

Continued Kenneth, "While I in no way endorse actual French décor (see Homes Honcho Declares War on French Country), the French people really know how to put together a smart remodeling outfit. They're brilliant at accessorizing. A French woman will tie a little scarf around her neck and she's ready to toss debris into a dumpster with style. A French man will wear a tailored shirt as he demos a kitchen. The style of dress creates a symbiosis with the architecture that allows the remodeling process to fully actualize."

Stacy London (TLC's What Not To Wear) has been appointed as a consultant to the RDC. As Ms. London explains, the DHHG is responding to a shift in sensibility spurred by the HGTVization of the remodeling world. "Remodeling has gone global. The whole world is watching us, and it's not a pretty sight. We see people turn up at home centers looking like they've been crawling around a dirty basement. The fact that they may actually have been crawling around a dirty basement doesn't excuse it."

London acknowledged some resistance to the RDC, which proposes home remodelers wear wrinkle-free chinos ("Flat front only, please!") and a polo shirt. "It's a classic look that anyone can wear. It says, 'I love my home, and I love the USA.'" The bill is expected to face some opposition from the house.

Like what you're reading here? Check out the new Homeland Homes and Gardens Blog, and join the patriotic fight against the terror of home décor!

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