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The Health Report: Holiday Spending Medications!
Reports show consumer confidence numbers are up. This is crucial news, especially during the holiday season. However, another disturbing poll has indicated that most Americans are still broke and depressed, not shopping or spending.
The WME and the Administration are concerned. President Bush has shown what a lovely time of year this is, celebrating at the ranch, with extra kitchen help AND outdoor help, to quickly arrest and detain protesters.
"I will not have my family time disturbed," the President thundered during a brief news conference, "especially when we pull Jenna and Barbara out of the bunker they live in year round, you know, the one next to Saddam. At least my girls are smart enough to escape sometimes," he smirked.
First Lady Laura Bush gave him a sharp poke in the ribs.
"Right, right, back on point. Americans, we must spend, and not be afraid of bombs in malls, or too many items to choose from, or mounting debt that has you and your spouse collapsing in tears when you've gone over your credit limit. We have help for these conditions."
The President introduced Dr. Eudaimonia, WME Chief Resident and personal White House physician. "There are FDA-approved drugs that will help ease the pain of the holidays," Dr. Eudaimonia beamed:
Imodium®, an over-the-counter drug that stops the diarrhea many people suddenly suffer from after Halloween.
Percodan, or OxyContin, for when the consumer sprains an ankle or pulls a muscle trying to pay for their purchase.
Orlistat, a fat blocker, to help with the inevitable weight gain during this time of year.
And of course, Metaproterenol, for shortness of breath. It's important that when any kind of crisis arises and a person's throat closes up, they have Metaproterenol on hand."
Eudaimonia grabbed the microphone, gesturing emphatically.
"But during the holidays? It's vital to breathe, people. You cannot shop if you cannot breathe. Have these four medications - never mind the cost, pop a Percodan, you'll be fine - have these drugs on hand, and you will have a happy and blessed holiday season."
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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