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The Health Report: How to Have Christmas Dinner With Your Family
Health during the holidays: An issue since the Clinton Era. With second, third, and fourth marriages, in-laws, siblings, step and half siblings, assorted animals, the heart attack factor at this time of year is alarming. No, it's not due to Aunti Erin's mashed potatoes.
The WME gave a terse statement.
"Unless you are white, married to your childhood sweetheart, and have no divorces or half-black babies in your grandparents' past, well, we cannot help you. There is no medication to help the sinner."
M.D.s have railed against this attitude, and have come up with help for the holidays. In your doctor's office, you will find pamphlets written by Dr. Ralph Gold and Dr. Phil, with these helpful holiday hints:- For the basic divorced family, three teenage kids who've gotta go to Dad's and Mom's? Give them all as much alcohol as they can drink. There will always be a pothead. She will sneak away to toke up, then run back to do the dishes and stick around to "be helpful." We suggest she keep this ritual up. It has gotten her far.
- For the divorced and remarried, with shared and combined children? Pepto-Bismol for the adults, and Ortho-Novum for the kids. Step-children have been known to get "friendly."
- For the acrimonious divorce? Get hammered. Start calling people you used to hate. Cry. You will be invited to dinner.
- For the widow or widower who has remarried, to the dismay of the family of the deceased? Take Vicodin and Soma - the combination produces a friendly, non-hostile attitude for approximately 25 minutes. Then either eat, or leave the festivities.
- For children of abusive parents? Show up under the influence of everything you have on hand, or don't show up. Period.
- If you are one child trying to get to know your parent? DO NOT invite your sibling, you idiot! Go and see if you and your parent can get along!
And finally, when you've had enough, simply plead "the flu" - they'll never know, and you can kick back and watch the 5th season of Six Feet Under.
Merry Christmas!
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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