A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Top Five Movies of 2005!

After their second long year of duty to the movie-going public, the Family would like to thank you for sticking by them through their various legal and chemical issues in 2005. As a token of their goodwill, they humbly present their top five picks for the past filmic year! (And as a bonus, they also blurt out the one to avoid at all costs.)

Sis: So, I'd pick Tim Burton's Corpse Bride because it's totally honest. You agree to a dead marriage, and abra-cadaver, you're buried in it.

Mom: I never expected to say this, but it's gotta be Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The agony of my indecision between Brad and Angie has only made my loins long louder. And now he's adopting her adopted children? That's a romance for the new millennium if ever there was one.

Bro: I've been wearing nothing but spurs and a smile ever since I saw my favorite movie of 2005, Brokeback Mountain! Even though Mom covered my eyes through half of it. Harry Potter can take his broomstick and ride it where the sun don't shine. I'm all about makin' my home on the range now!

Dad: Ever since I saw it, I can't shake The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It was so funny and respectful and like the bullet of a life I barely dodged. And the ending! The glorious ending that was so beautiful and unexpected and…yes, let the sunshine in! Oh, let it SHINE! [At this point, Dad began weeping.]

Baby: After this crazy year, I just wanted to reflect back on something happy. That's why I'm choosing Hitch, because it made me happier than a chilled teether. It also made me gassy, but that made me smile, too. Gas does that, you know. You should try it!

Verdict: And taking the Gigli Award this year is Alone in the Dark, the only movie on Earth with a higher suckage factor than an overstocked Dyson vacuum cleaner factory. Christian Slater should be ashamed, and Tara Reid takes the Forrest Gump "Stupid Is As Stupid Does" Award home completely uncontested.


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