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| You are hovering over: Home > Entertainment | January 7th |
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The Health Report: Ring in the New Year by Understanding Your AntidepressantsJan 5 2006 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
Dr. Eudaimonia, with his jovial attitude and fatherly smile, took questions and gave honest, careful answers. "Adapin? - ADD A PIN - get it? "Marplan? - NEW PLAN - are you with me? "Desyrel? Is it real? No, fool! It s all in your head," he trailed off, rubbing his neck. "Right, we're talking about medication for the head. Yes. "Effexor, well it should speak for itself," he chuckled, before pounding his fists on the podium. "ITS EFFECTIVE - Effexor, effective, any idiot can figure that out..." Noticing the audience's silence, he quickly cleared his throat and continued, "Asendin, you are ascending. Don't you feel better just hearing the word? "Prozac? PRO action! You can get out of the doldrums! "Vivactil? Vivacious! You are happy and ready to shop, have sex, watch sports. "Wellbutrin, come on, people! You are WELL! Do you hear the word WELL in there? Work with it. Work with us. Work with me, please. "These drugs are here to help you. Your doctor is there to help you. I am here to clear up any misunderstandings that may come with being depressed. Ladies and gentlemen, especially gentlemen, Congress just approved Medicaid paying for Viagra. Frankly, what are you folks getting depressed about? "Americans," he said, running a hand across his forehead, "please take your medications, and try to not think too much. Just be happy. Thank you." He hustled off, leaving reporters scribbling frantically on their notepads. Katie Couric, whose presence surprised everyone, shouted out one last question. She was ignored, and as everybody was exiting, she turned to Geraldo Rivera and asked plaintively, "So how do we deal with Heroin? You are a HERO if you take it?" Geraldo sighed, tossing an empty prescription bottle in a nearby trash can. "Happy New Year, Katie," he grumbled, trudging off. Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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