American Midol: The Fine-Line Distinction Between Howard Stern and Oprah Winfrey

Howie. You fascinating airwave Aryan, you!

Most people do the Life Lambada in the traditional 10-step order:

1. Hellion Youth
   
2. Societal Submission
   
3. Marriage
   
4. Kids
   
5. Celibacy
   
6. Spiritual Death
   
7. Retirement
   
8. Physical Death
   
9. Back Taxes
   
10. And finally – a good-riddance night cap with James Van Praagh.

Not you, man.

You swapped Hellion Youth for Nerdy, Nonplussed Misfit (with a taste for wacky tobacky).

You dodged the radar by sticking to the Marriage-Kids-Celibacy paradigm. But when the Grim Reaper of Spiritual Death came knocking on your door, you fought back – garnering your first cosmic BLEEP with a Manifest Destiny "F--- You."

And now, decades after launching your shock-jock-ucular empire, you've summoned forth the glorious gig you've always dreamed of:

An Uncensored, Multi-Channeled, 24/7, Subscriber-Only Howard Stern Orgy.

Sweet!

Yet what I'm most awed by is your unapologetic snub to the modern-day chain gang of personal evolution.

Take Oprah, for instance.

Whether you like it or not, Oprah's your media doppelganger. You've both had long, successful careers with ever-multiplying tentacles dipped in mass media outlets. No one's got reach, muscle, and flocks like you two do.

But while Oprah went from standard-fare TV chat to her high-flying Angel Networks of today, you stuck to your primordial roots, never budging a lick.

Lesbians! Freaks! Salami! Sluts! Guys Who Love to Throw Salami at Sluts' Depilated Bum-bums!!

So now, unbelievable though it is, your entire career resurrection with Sirius Satellite Radio is based NOT on an ocean of long-marinating epiphanies, but on the stuff you were never allowed to unleash when you were but a sperm in the Petri dish of contemporary pop culture.

No disingenuous pretenses around elevating listeners' minds. No torturous concerns about social responsibility. No using your influence to effect change for the Greater Good.

Nuh-uh. You have been steadfast with your number one goal – FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LISTEN – since your first on-air belch.

Your commitment to whores, horn dogs, and flatulence is laudable, dude. Good luck with your continued regression!


This isn't the first time Lani Voivod pointed to the oft-overlooked, um, virtues of America's favorite ranting, egomaniacal self-loather. Don't miss her last article, American Midol: In Defense of Howard Stern. Love him or hate him, one thing's for sure – you can never read enough about him!

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