| |
The Curmudgeon Bastard: Like a Virgin? Where There's a Doctor, There's a Way
Plastic surgeons have convinced women to lift their faces, pump up the size of their breasts, and have the fat sucked out of their behinds. Now they're aiming for the final frontier: cosmetic surgery on your vaginas.
As if women didn't have enough things concerning their bodies to feel insecure about, according to a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, vaginal plastic surgery is one of the field's fastest growing areas.
The website for one of these quacks claims he can give women "aesthetically pleasing vulvas." Now I'm no expert; the number of vaginas I've gotten a really good look at in the flesh I could count on one hand. In my sexual experience, the room is usually much more dimly lit than in your typical porn movie. And if you head down there with a Mag-Lite® strapped to your head, unless you have a medical degree on the wall, women tend to get all weird on you.
But I feel confident stating that as long as your labia don't resemble something horrifying like, say a profile of Dick Cheney, most guys don't give a flying f**k what they look like. In fact, for the vast majority of straight men, as long as you actually have a vagina and are willing to have sex with us, we're good.
This same website promises surgical "enhancement of the vulvar structures." I'm confused—are they talking about women's nether regions or improving the design of boxy Swedish cars? One of these alleged enhancements is hymen reattachment surgery, which is touted as a way for you to re-enact that most special of times in a woman's life: losing your virginity.
In order to get the full effect of this memorable experience, does the price tag for the surgery include lots of cheap liquor and a horny 17-year-old who's quick on the trigger and couldn't find your clitoris with a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves taped to the headboard?
Ladies, you already spend way too much time and money "improving" things most men don't care about. For God's sake, leave your genitalia alone.
Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
|
|
