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The Health Report: The WME Is Listening...
Following the fine example the National Security Agency has set concerning privacy and violating the Constitutional rights of American citizens, yesterday's leaked memo inside the Weapons of Mass Euphoria headquarters indicates beyond any reasonable doubt that the WME is tapping the phones of Americans taking prescription medications, particularly Lithium and Viagra.
When questioned at the Washington headquarters of the WME, many staffers ran past reporters, shouting "No comment." However, Senior Resident Dr. Robert "Mad Dog" Madigan stopped and growled:
"There is no memo, only discussions concerning Homeland Security, and the safety of the American people. It is vital that the government keep tabs on citizens who are bipolar. It is essential that these citizens stay on their meds, as many of the schizophrenics in this country have started rumors about the Bush Administration that are lies.
"However, these rumors wind up on the Internet, and the public believes them. The rumor that President Bush is boozing it up? Started by a level three bipolar man who went off his meds.
"Dick Cheney stating in 2002 that nuclear-grade pipes were found in Iraq - it's factual, we have pictures, but despite all of the evidence that Iraq posed an immediate threat, a group of people protesting the war and calling the information "false" turned out to be a small handful of grassroots independent undiagnosed schizophrenics. We helped these folks out, rounding them up and putting them on Lithium. They have been docile and supportive ever since.
"We felt it would be helpful to Homeland Security if we could keep track of all Americans taking Lithium, as MDs are very busy, and cannot closely monitor a patient after diagnosing them. They prescribe meds and send people home."
Dr. Madigan paused, wiping his forehead.
"About citizens taking Viagra? It is mandatory for the Administration to know who is engaging in unlawful sexual practices, to ensure the moral safety of the public. But monitoring citizens taking other medications? Absolutely not.
"I reiterate, no memo, just another rumor started by a bipolar personality hearing a click on their telephone. No more comments."
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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