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Curmudgeon Bastard: I'd Prefer the Smell of Napalm in the Morning
I was on the train to work the other morning reading a book when my nose was assaulted by the powerful aroma of cheap perfume. I didn't look up at first. I figured it was one of those women who hose themselves down with so much fragrance, you can smell them coming five minutes before they arrive.
When I glanced up I was surprised to see the stink was coming from a guy. And this was no effete metrosexual-type; he was a tough-looking, do-rag wearing urban youth who looked like he would just as soon punch you out as look at you. Yet he smelled like a cheap hooker on a Saturday night stroll.
When I related this story to a friend, she pointed out that he was probably wearing a "male body spray." Funny, when I hear "male" and "spray" in the same sentence I think of non-neutered cats urinating all over the place to mark their territory. And that smell would be preferable to what this guy was wearing.
One spray is marketed as a "seductive fragrance" that's supposed to be used every day to give you "a better shot at getting the girl." Only if you get real close, because, trust me, the smell of this crap will knock her out quicker than slipping a couple of roofies in her wine.
To help sell these cut-rate colognes, one company has even launched an online video game where players can seduce digital women with the help of their products. That's good news, because if you use this stuff, playing with your joystick in front of a computer is the most action you're going to get.
If people around you are always sniffing the air loudly and staring at you as if you just cut the cheese, maybe you should think about ditching that five dollar can of perfume and try something new to attract women - like bathing regularly.
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