Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan Launches Advice Column

Dear Cindy:
I've been dating a man for two years, and I'm in love with him. But when I say, "I love you" to him, there's nothing - just silence. What's the problem? What should I do? Am I just fooling myself?
--The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me, Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Silence:
In order to understand the psychology of the American man, you need to look at history.

The first American men landed here 200 years ago from Israel - evil, filth-mongering neo-cons, with sharp knives and bad intentions. That's why they killed the Indians, and the killing has gone on, pretty much 24/7, since then. The question you should be asking yourself is not whether you need the love of an American man, but is he worthy of you?

You should find yourself a man who appreciates you, who knows about commitment, peace, and love, and who hasn't been influenced by the PNAC agenda. I would recommend a Swede or a nice Spaniard.

Dear Cindy:
My cat just jumped off the couch and collapsed. She's only eight months old. I'm wondering if she ate one of the weird little bugs around our house. Nothing appears to be wrong with her legs. Any thoughts?
--Feeble Feline in Fresno

Dear Feeble:
At least your cat can eat. Did you know most Iraqis have nothing at all to eat? They're trapped in their teepees, unable to milk their goats or go to the Quick Chek, because American death rains on them from the sky. They'd probably be happy to have some of your disease-addled bugs. I hope your cat dies.


Cindy Sheehan is an anti-war activist who, according to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, derives absolute moral authority from the death of her son in Iraq. She offers her own eyebrow-raising view of world events on the peace speaker's circuit, and adamantly denies that she has used her son's death for her own fame. For more on her story, see her recent profile in Vanity Fair, where she lies on her son's grave in a heartrending photo spread.


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