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  You smell better than: Home > EntertainmentApril 25th 
 

Special Election 2006 Health Report: The Blind Can See!

LONDON - A dramatic breakthrough in restoring sight to the blind has been made with a study showing it's possible to repair a damaged eye by transplanting light-sensitive cells.

In an odd coincidence, in the United States on November 7th, 2006, it appears that millions of people previously hampered by a rare form of sight impairment known as "Stay the Course" macular degeneration were suddenly mobilized to the voting polls with their vision fully restored.

Doctors are at a loss to explain how these previously blind people showed one hundred percent clear sight, causing the Democratic Party to win the House and, as of this report, the Senate.

Dr. Trang Whathephuc of USC Irvine Medical Center was stunned.

"We've been working on these patients for the last six years, and getting nowhere. Medications caused severe side effects - unprovoked rage and hostility, lies, even hallucinations. Some patients believed that President Bush was talking to God. And it seemed there was no macular surgery outside of a lobotomy that could stop the sight degeneration. I have no explanation for this sudden restoration of sight in so many individuals diagnosed with 'Stay the Course.'"

Dr. Robert MacLaren of Moorfields Eye Hospital in London agreed, adding, "The most important thing is the principle that it can be done."

Not all of the individuals suffering "Stay the Course" tunnel vision have indicated such dramatic sight restoration - in an interesting twist, these patients have gotten worse. At this point, they are considered legally blind, and are not allowed to operate heavy machinery, walk without assistance, or procreate. And studies indicate that "Stay The Course" macular degeneration can be passed to one's children.

As of this report, doctors have no answers. Some claim it's a miracle, others insist that "Stay the Course" is a temporary state of blindness, and that in time, everybody stricken with it will soon be restored to full sight.

"We will have to keep an eye on our patients on Election Day 2008," Dr. Whathephuc stated. "No pun intended."

White House Chief Resident Dr. Eudaimonia was unavailable for comment.


Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.



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