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The Health Report: Holiday Spending Soars for Pets, Plummets for Children

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The American Pet Association reports there are 44,892,454 dog owners in the United States, who own a total of 62,995,801 million dogs, and 76,954,111 million cat owners, resulting in a total of 139,939,912 pets.

Of these statistics, 31,507,547 dog owners purchase Christmas gifts for their dogs, and 39,754,847 cat owners purchase Christmas gifts for their cats.

For years it was a quiet battle between dog and cat owners as to why cats received more gifts than their canine counterparts. However, in a startling argument twist, human offspring have waded into the fray, demanding loudly and in English, as to why Mom and Dad are spending more on Spot and Fluffy than on them.

It's become a problem for both local and urban law enforcement, as more police calls of domestic violence end up being the family child destroying the family pet's gifts in a jealous screaming rage, with the family pet retaliating immediately by biting and/or scratching the child.

Law enforcement officials are at a loss as to "who started it" and which animal needs to be euthanized due to excessive violence, the family pet or the family child.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush appeared on "The View" to weigh in.

"Why do we spend more on our pets? I cannot speak for all Americans, but I can tell you in our house, it is simply because we love our pets and despise our children. I have the sense it is the same in most families. The Bush family has its finger on the pulse of America."

Even newest "View" addition Rosie O'Donnell, normally known for her loud, braying opinion, was shocked into silence.

Ms. Bush looked around the table. "I am sure you all remember our Springer Spaniel, Millie? As you may recall, Millie wrote a book! My son George can barely read 'My Pet Goat' for goodness sakes! Who deserves a better Christmas gift? My dog or my child? Americans, spoil your pets. Financially, it will work out better for you in the long run."

President Bush was speechless. Nothing unusual.


Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.



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