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Local Asian Doesn't Know Kung-Fu, Gets Ass Kicked in Fight
Dec 22 2003 by Elliott McMillan
Local Asian Eddie Watanabe got his ass kicked at Finnegan's Wake, a local Irish-pub-themed bar. Eyewitnesses to the ass-kicking were surprised. "I never thought that a white man could kick an Asian's ass like that," said eyewitness Carla Stryzinski. "I mean, he didn't get a blow in edgewise," continued the hairdresser.
Other eyewitnesses shared Stryzinski's surprise. "I always thought that Asian guys have old grampas that teach 'em karate before they turn two," said local mechanic Matthew Sutula. "This guy must not have had much of a relationship with his grampa."
Watanabe was not surprised that he was beaten. "I'm a third generation American," he said. "I mean, my grandparents were born here. My whole life, white kids thought that I had mystical powers, or that I could throw ninja stars or something. I'm just as screwed up as they are."
Holding a cold compress on his swollen left eye, he added, "I was gonna take tae-kwon-do at the Y when I was 12, but it interfered with my Little League schedule. Does that sound like a mystic?"
The man who kicked Watanabe's ass, Gordon Fuller, could not be reached for comment. His live-in girlfriend Kaitlin Green said only, "Buzz off, will ya?" to requests for an interview with the ass kicker.
Other witnesses to the ass-kicking say Watanabe was sucker punched. "The guy was just standing there, when the other guy just whaled on him," said bartender Jill Hanlon. "The white guy was drunk, and said the Asian was trying to grab his girlfriend's ass. If he was, I didn’t see it."
"Gordon is such an ass," said Green’s friend Kira Knight. "He always starts fights when he gets drunk. He usually gets his ass kicked. I was surprised that the Asian guy didn't float in the air and beat Gordon's ass with a shot glass wrapped in a towel. I bet that Asian guy's parents are embarrassed."
Friends of Watanabe say that not only can he not fight, but he's not really good at math, and he doesn't eat rice at every meal.
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