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Identity Thief's Plans Go Awry
Dec 28 2003 by Elliott McMillan
An unnamed identity thief today had to forgo any plans to buy a new Dodge SUV with a Hemi. "I thought I hit the jackpot," said the anonymous scumbag. "I had his Social Security Card and his license. We even kind of looked alike. Too bad the guy turned out to be a deadbeat."
The criminal first ran into trouble at JC Penney, where he tried to open an account. "I figured I'd do some after-Christmas shopping," smiled the scoundrel. His plan was derailed, however, when he was denied credit by the large retailer. "It's funny that I was still a bit embarrassed, even though it wasn't really me that was turned down."
He continued, "I thought it may have been a mix-up, so I tried Bloomingdale's." He was met with another rejection from the upscale department store. "It turns out this guy Allen just had a bankruptcy, and has written bad checks all over town. I had to run out of the joint before they called security. Jeez."
Reached for comment at his tiny, filthy apartment, Allen was unconcerned about the attempt to steal his identity. "Good luck getting anything done on my name!" laughed the unshaven, robe-clad Allen. "My ATM card was kept by the machine last week. I didn't even know they could do that." The poor man has had credit problems since his early 20s. "I should have never bought all those stereos and 'Used and Damaged' jeans back in the 90s," lamented the credit risk. "If I knew then what I know now," he continued.
The would-be identity thief was less cavalier about the whole thing. "It's because of that guy that I can't get rid of the Chevy Citation I've been driving for the last eight years. I really wanted that Hemi," he complained. When asked if the unsuccessful attempt at identity theft will be his last, the thief replied, "Naw. Next time, I'll run a credit check before I try to buy."
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