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Colin Powell: "I'm a Warmongering SOB"
Aug 4 2003 by Allen Voivod
Colin Powell has begun an effort to revamp his image in light of Donald Rumsfeld's increasing influence over US foreign policy.
"I am one warmongering sumbitch," he recently told reporters at the National Press Club. "Do you realize, US armed forces were involved in 28 military conflicts while I was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs under George H. W. Bush? Twenty-eight in four years! What does that tell you about me?"
Attendees questioned Powell about his relationship with Rumsfeld, which is often rumored to be a rocky one. "It is," Powell confirmed, "and I'll tell you why: 28. I can't tell you how jealous Rummy is of that number. He's been a Defense Secretary twice and barely hit the double digits. That old fart'll never catch me."
In the run up to the war on Iraq, Powell was cast in the role of dove to Rumsfeld's hawk in the public policy debate. "I hated every minute of it," Powell said. "I've had a tattoo of Mars, the God of War, on the back of my scrotum since 1968. I could feel it burning every time I had to go on 'Meet the Press' or some other claptrap talk show to yak about using diplomacy to deal with Iraq."
When questioned about the possibility of a future war with North Korea or Iran, Powell said, "Oh, you know I'd love to hit that big three-oh. But first I've gotta have my family buy more stock in defense companies. Uncle Sam's gotta get his bullets from someone, right?"
At the end of his address, he turned his backside to the audience and "dropped it like it was hot," a dance move he learned while visiting the set of 'Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle' last year. One woman in the front row claimed to have seen the Mars tattoo, and declared it to be quite striking.
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