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Schwarzenegger's Handshake Injures Dozens at Rally
Aug 11 2003 by Allen Voivod
While canvassing for votes at a California fundraiser, gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger injured as many as 38 people with his crushing handshake.
The apparent front-runner in the recall race aggravated the nerve damage of carpal tunnel syndrome sufferers, some of whom fainted dead away after having their hands squeezed vigorously. Local hospitals treated dozens of bone bruises, inflamed tendons, and burst blood vessels after the event.
Schwarzenegger caused all this grief while working a receiving line, blissfully ignorant of the pain he left in his wake. The screams of agony were lost among the cheers and shouts of joy at his appearance, as his handlers kept him moving quickly from person to person.
A spokesman for Schwarzenegger's campaign later apologized to the wounded. "Arnie plans to let the muscles in his right hand atrophy over the next couple of months to prevent this from happening again." When asked what activities would be cut out of Schwarzenegger's exercise regimen to achieve this, the spokesman said, "I'd love to make a masturbation joke here, but I'm just not that quick-witted." He was subsequently fired.
Morgan Dalrimple, one of the victims of Schwarzenegger's mighty mitts, told DeadBrain, "He says he's in touch with the voters, but this is ridiculous!" The last part of Dalrimple's comment was delivered in a pitch-perfect Balki Bartokomous impression.
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