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Stupid Environmental Extremists Protest Pollution by Burning Cars, Buildings
Aug 23 2003 by Allen Voivod
According to DeadBrain analysts, the radical environmental group Earth Liberation Front (ELF) has been polluting the air with smoke and chlorofluorocarbon gases (CFCs), under the guise of committing, in ELF's words, "economic sabotage to stop the destruction of the natural environment."
"During the month of August, ELF activists spray-painted SUVs, set fire to an automobile warehouse, and burned down a five-story condominium complex under construction," said DeadBrain science correspondent Doug Mullbott. Doug's conjoined twin Greg added, "These actions released tons of ozone-damaging smoke and CFCs, not to mention the additional aggravation caused to allergy and asthma sufferers. How dumb are these people?"
The twins also noted that the release of harmful smoke and greenhouse gases would only increase demand for allergy and asthma medicines, as well as sunscreen, sunglasses and umbrellas, creating more industrial production and more pollution. "This vicious cycle has got to stop!" Doug Mullbott said. "The poor environment! It's like an innocent child caught in the middle of a horrible divorce!"
Greg then demanded that Doug stop making oblique references to their family history in conversations with reporters, and the twins began a vicious slapfight. This reporter snuck away during the worst of it.
Press releases on the ELF web site celebrate the actions of ELF activists who further pollute the environment in the name of saving it. The motto "If you build it, we will burn it" was found on a banner at the site of the torched condo complex, and the ELF web site contains a link on its home page to a manual for neophyte arsonists.
According to sources deep within ELF, future "direct actions" will include setting fires at nuclear power plants, pesticide factories, and Texaco gas stations to escalate their protest against market forces corrupting the environment.
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