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| You have fallen over: Home > Global News | September 3rd |
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 Spam is Winning the War on Terrorism Sep 20 2003 by Jim Bauman SPAM, “What is it good for? …Absolutely nothin'” Hey, now hold on a minute! The Pentagon has found a use for it. Its covert operation has recently been made public. For years, federal IT specialists and their highly paid consultants had consistently failed to track down and monitor laptops used by al-Qaeda operatives. To help in the search, the Pentagon enlisted the top twelve SPAMMERS in the world. They became “The Dirtiest Dozen,” a reference to the Hollywood movie about twelve convicts who storm a Nazi stronghold and kill the top brass and their wives. Within hours, the Dirtiest Dozen had located the e-mail addresses of all al-Qaeda operatives and had overstuffed their mail databases with messages about Viagra, male and female appendage enhancement, a Ginsu knives blowout sale (ouch!), and various other tedium. Success came in many ways. American and British Army units in Iraq and Afghanistan were able to capture scores of al-Qaeda members by following the trails of inoperative and abandoned al-Qaeda laptops. In one case, Mr. El-Ziad, who was heavily bandaged, spoke from his jail cell at Guantanamo. He said that a week ago in a cave near the Pakistan border, “I was waiting for a communication from the most revered one when the computer began to smoke, pop, and make fizzing noises. I grabbed it and ran with it out of the cave, and all the time it was getting hotter and hotter to the touch. I screamed in pain as it burned my hands. I threw it into the poopy pit.” The subsequent methane explosion killed nine of his comrades. Where the computers weren't fried, the bank accounts of some al-Qaeda cells were drained when they responded to the Nigerian e-mail scam. Some operatives were apprehended at their apartments in America and Britain when their discount pharmaceuticals from Canada were delivered. Recently, the Dirtiest Dozen, while wearing black hoods, were honored at a White House ceremony. In response, Representative Gene Green (D-Texas) said, “I think my anti-spam bill is deader than a duck floatin' under Bush's Clear Skies Environmental Initiative.” Related Articles Anonymous "Dick" Leaks New Draft of Bush's “Road Map to Peace” Sep 18 2003 New al-Jazeera TV Show Premieres -- "Bush Unplugged" Sep 12 2003 Secret Service Employs Sex Doll to Train for Presidential Choking Event Sep 5 2003 U.S. Seeks Coalition, U.N. Aid in Deficit Crunch Aug 31 2003 Power Outage Traced to Amish "Evangelistic Crusade" 19 Aug 2003 Colin Powell: "I'm a Warmongering SOB" Aug 4 2003
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