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| You feel threatened by: Home > Global News | November 20th |
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 John Edwards Connects with Presidents Who Have "Crossed Over" to Revive Candidacy Sep 29 2003 by Allen Voivod With his fortunes fading in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, North Carolina Senator John Edwards has begun to use his skills as a medium to contact dead presidents for campaign advice. "The first one we managed to contact was Calvin Coolidge," Senator Edwards told reporters. "Boy, they didn't call him 'Silent Cal' for nothing! It's really creepy when you connect with someone who doesn't want to respond. Kind of like feeling a spider crawling on your leg in the dark." Edwards then made an 'Ack!' noise similar to the one often made by the comic strip character 'Cathy.' Edwards most recently tried connecting to "crossed over" presidents for advice during the commercial breaks in the Sept. 25th debate held at Pace University in New York. "Is he always like this?" Wesley Clark whispered to Howard Dean at one point. "What a freak!" "If [Edwards] can see dead people," Al Sharpton said, "I can call slavery a bad trade policy." A spokesman for the Edwards campaign, Tom Theos, revealed to DeadBrain reporters that Edwards has been working to connect with passed-on presidents for weeks. "Between Kerry, Dean, Lieberman and homegrown 138-pound pumpkins, we couldn't get any attention from the press. We had to go higher profile. It's even more important now that Clark's in the race, and with the two new Hometown Buffet restaurants they just opened." The Sci-Fi Channel, which broadcasts the "Crossing Over" program, has not decided whether to pick up a special season of episodes in which Edwards reveals the secrets of past presidencies. Programming director Tony Guillou said he was a little spooked by one sample. "Edwards contacted JFK while he was in our offices the other day. JFK told Edwards that Sinatra had him killed as a warning to Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn allegedly revealed to JFK that Sinatra had kissed Sammy Davis, Jr. during a three-way she'd had with them. Ack!" Related Articles Democrats Massacre Multiple Languages in Debate for Ethnic Voters Sep 8 2003 Bush's Vocal Coach Resigns Over Endless "Nuclear" Mispronunciations Aug 15 2003
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