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| You have landed on top of: Home > Global News | November 20th |
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 Olsen Twins to Pay for Iraq Reconstruction, National Debt Oct 3 2003 by Lucky Lani Movie star moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen came before Congress yesterday to voluntarily assume the costs of both the efforts to reconstruct Iraq and the ever-expanding national debt. "It should only take us, like, five years or something, and that's including the one-year sabbatical we're taking when we turn 21," said the twin with the straightish hair in a press conference yesterday. The Olsen twins' net worth is currently $150 billion dollars and growing steadily as they approach the age of consent. Members of Congress and the public were ecstatic upon hearing the news, until a certain Commander-in-Chief mentioned, in an impromptu speech to Greenpeace to promote a new, better way to kill baby seals, that he would still be asking for significant funding for certain other programs that "will further the America's quest for truth, justice, and the Republican way." "But is sure was darn nice of those little sweeties to give their allowance over to the ol' Red, White and Blue, whuddin't it?" Bush said, oblivious to the groans of abject disbelief from the stunned crowd. Bush plans to use the funds to hire more corporate lobbyists to rewrite government regulations, and to buy a jumbo box of pretzels for Sunday football game watching, more oil for the Strategic Reserve, and all the gold mines in the country formerly known as Liberia. The African country, by all media reports, has ceased to exist for well over a month. When asked why they wanted to give so much money to the U.S. government, the Olsen Twins shared their strategy. "We're just keeping options open for our future. We're going to turn 35 someday, and everyone knows there's no room in Hollywood for haggard cronies that old," said the one wearing the red tank top. The one with the black peasant shirt added, "We figured we might go into politics or something, especially if it looks like Arnold has some fun. We could have doub—OW!" The one in the red tank top slapped the other one before she could complete an apparent attempt at a lame twins joke. Related Articles John Edwards Connects with Presidents Who Have "Crossed Over" to Revive Candidacy Sep 29 2003 Democrats Massacre Multiple Languages in Debate for Ethnic Voters Sep 8 2003 Bush's Vocal Coach Resigns Over Endless "Nuclear" Mispronunciations Aug 15 2003
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